我的母親
油畫 75x47cm 1982 香港
母親名皇甫道安，湖南桃源縣人，外祖父時家道中落，但外祖父喜愛讀書，曾收集原版「二十四史」。母親中學上長沙周南女中，後逃婚到上海讀大夏大學，與父親結婚而輟學。生我們兄弟姐妹六人，隨鄉親躲日軍赴重慶，直至1949年父親赴台，從此父母分隔兩岸，至死未得見面。孩子長大，分散各地，母親申請做小學教師，帶我與弟弟在身邊，艱苦度日。
她體弱多病，多次開刀，曾在課室講台暈倒。1950年她帶我投靠鄉下的舅舅。舅舅是「小地主」，土改時被農會吊打，追討金銀財寶，外婆嚇得投水淹死。不久，媽媽也驚嚇得半夜投水，被我發現，馬上叫醒舅舅，急忙點了火把，拿了竹竿將尚浮在水壩中的母親打救上來。多少年後，母親告訴我，那次她看見水底好亮堂，一定是觀世音菩薩來救她了。她在小學簡易木樓宿舍的柱子上長年貼著印有觀音坐像的香烟長盒包裝紙。
盼啊盼啊，到1978年，我們盼來的卻是父親在台北去世的噩耗！1980年，獲准到香港，五年後，弟弟陪她到台北，終於在父親墓前舉香祭拜……。再過四年，她與大姐家和我一家都遷居台北。沒過多久，她病倒了，我們送她往基隆長庚醫院檢查後醫生告知為器官衰竭。
我當年很忙，開始時還沒意識到母親身體病況嚴重。有次我去看她，幫她老搓揉冰涼的雙手，她問我：「茂芹，媽媽偉不偉大？」，我一時楞住了，不知怎麼回答，我說：「我們不要用偉大，妳是了不起的榜樣……」，媽媽拍拍我的手背……。
在基隆簡易治喪會上我哭得差點噎到。媽媽，妳度過多少苦難！妳還以微薄的工資去救濟水災難民，妳教育我寫字要端正，要文從字順，要以忠厚為人之本……，我的偉大的母親啊。我們重修父墓，將母親的骨灰罈放在棺木內父親的肩旁……他們會有說不完的唐詩宋詞……。
My Mother
Oil painting 75x47cm 1982 Hong Kong
My mother’s maiden name was Huangpu Daoan and she was born in Taoyuan County, Hunan. The Huangpu family had fallen upon hard times, but her father was an avid reader who counted an original copy of the Twenty Four Histories in his collection. My mother attended the Zhounan Women School in Changsha then fled an arranged marriage to study at Daxia University in Shanghai. She quit the university after marrying my father. Together they had six children and when the Japanese invaded, she fled to Chongqing with relatives. When my father went to Taiwan in 1949 with Chiang Kai-shek’s government, the cross-strait separation meant they never did meet again in this life. When her children grew up and moved to different parts of the country, my mother applied to become a primary school teacher. She kept me and my little brother by her side and made the ends meet as best as she could.
My mother’s health was always poor and underwent many operations. She even fainted once at the front of the classroom. In 1950, she took me to the countryside to seek refuge with her brother. My uncle was a “small landowner” who had been persecuted by the farmers’ co-operative during the land reforms to cough up his “ill-gotten gains.” My grandma was so terrified that she chose to drown herself. My mother also tried to drown herself one night but I immediately woke my uncle up. He lit a torch and we fished my mother out of the dam with a bamboo pole. Many years later, my mother told me that it seemed so bright under the water that she thought the Guanyin Goddess had come to save her. On a pillar of the simple wooden house used as a dormitory by the primary school, she had pasted a picture of the Guanyin Goddess sitting in the lotus position from the packaging of a cigarette box.
We waited and waited, but when we finally received word from Taiwan in 1978, it was bad news. My father had passed away in Taipei! In 1980, I received permission to go to Hong Kong. Five years later, my little brother accompanied her to Taipei where she could finally burn incense at my father’s grave….Four years later, she moved with me and my big sister’s entire family to Taipei. She fell sick a short while later; when we took her to the Chang Gung Hospital in Keelung, the doctor said that it was organ failure.
I was very busy at the time and I didn’t realize how serious my mother’s condition was at first. As I was massaging her icy-cold hands during one visit, she asked me, “Mau-kun, was your mother great or not?” I was taken by surprise and did not know what to say. I eventually answered: “Let’s not use the word great. You are a wonderful example…” My mother patted the back of my hand…
I almost choked on my tears during the simple funeral in Keelung. Oh, mother, how much you suffered! You even donated what little wages you earned towards flood relief. You taught me to write in a neat hand, to be fluent in my writings, and to lead an earnest life….My mother was a truly great woman. We refurbished my father’s tomb and placed the urn with my mothers’ ashes inside the coffin by my father’s shoulder….They can now talk about ancient Chinese poetry for all time…
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