我命非天排，一切自己來
FOR ALL SINGLE-PARENT CHILDREN OUT THERE
I have seen clients who are from single-parent families. They tend to have a very pessimistic view of the world and more suspicious of others.
They think they can never be happy for long. That happiness will forever eschew them. And they get very negative as soon as they have a taste of happiness.
I know that emotional yoyo like the back of my hand. For I share the same family background as them.
What makes it worse is people around them look down on my clients.
Say for my woman clients, their in-laws sometimes smirk at them for coming from single-parent backgrounds.
I find it ridiculous. For which child would want to grow up without one parent by his/her side? Why should my client be penalised for her parents having an unsuccessful marriage?
I had the good fortune never having to face such discrimination before in my life.
Maybe because I manage to complete my university education under very adverse circumstances and that gave me a head start in life.
But some of my clients:
1) Were juvenile deliquents
2) Never completed secondary school
3) Ran away from home during their teenage days
4) Mixed with bad company
5) Had occupations that can never be spoken aloud
6) Were badly abused and couldn't be healthy emotionally
They continued to have a very rough life because they couldn't break out from the cycle of poverty.
And on the end of the spectrum, I see some male clients being very irresponsible in their relationships. They have a hard time trying to stay faithful, despite craving for family stability.
One of them ask me, "How did you manage to break out from this self-destructive cycle of living and have such a normal and happier life than most of us?"
My answer:
I had never wanted to destroy myself, right from the start.
As a little girl, I couldn't wait to grow up. I have no fond memories of my childhood.
Too many times, I wanted to run away from home or commit suicide and end my wretched life. I had a diary where I analysed all possible ways of dying. I wasn't even 10.
But I pushed on and stayed. I knew it was the right thing to do, even though it was very torturous for me.
I just waited my time.
Some say I am lucky that I can study, compared to some of them. Yes, you're not wrong to say that. But studying got progressively harder for me since junior college, where I was failing Econs, Maths and GP like tumbling dominoes.
I was under a lot of stress. The family abuse never stop even as I grew older.
The only thing that pushed me back then, was I was die-hard determined to carve a future for myself.
I wanted to get a good job and start a business.
I wanted to marry a good man and set up a stable family.
I would not allow my children to grow up in a single-parent family nor go through the pain I had.
By hook or by crook, I will singlehandedly make it happen. I don't need anyone's sympathy or donations.
That was the vision I had when I was a kid.
The first time I really felt a stranger care was when my secondary school (I was from Henderson) sent us single-parent children to counselling.
The counsellor was a petite young lady with long permed hair, from Club Rainbow.
Every week, she would come to our school and spend one hour talking to us.
There were 3 of us, me and my 2 Indian girl classmates. We weren't the problematic kind. In fact, our academic work was above average.
I thought it was annoying for the school to send me to counselling. I didn't think I have any emotional problem that I can't handle. I was 14, for goodness sake.
The first time the counsellor asked us to draw a picture that represented ourselves, I drew a rooster caught in the thunderstorms. All drenched and miserable. I ended up blubbering during the session.
To my dismay, I gradually looked forward to the weekly sessions with my counsellor.
Once, she even brought all 3 of us to the Zoo.
I can't remember her name, but till now, more than 25 years on, I still have a soft spot towards Club Rainbow.
And that time, when my SAJC form teacher, Ms Yow, helped pay for my school fees first, because my mum couldn't give me the money.
...When HDB didn't take back our home, despite the inability to pay up...
...When our MP wrote a letter to plead for us...
...When PUB didn't throw us into court, when we reconnected our own utilities supply (many times) after being cut off. My first lesson in circuitry...
...When NUS grant me an extra bursary to help with my university expenses...and I use it to buy my very first computer for project work...
It is little moments like these in my life, that spurred me on when I felt like giving up.
Having received so much help from so many strangers, how could I turn astray and be a good-for-nothing?
How could I speak bad of the government, even when it had its shortcomings?
Gratitude, even though at times reluctantly, had a huge influence on me.
And my unwillingness to bow down to my fate.
At the end of the day, I still wanted to be filial to my parents.
That's how I fought till today.
The biggest game changer was of course learning the Dharma from Shifu and my Grandmaster, Living Buddha Lian Sheng. It gave me unprecedented clarity into the workings of karma and destiny. Instead of continuing to fight against my destiny, I learnt to accept it and improve from there, by walking the Eightfold Path.
I learnt to love everyone and hate no one.
I learnt to let the Light into my heart, casting out the darkness within.
I learnt to give before I take.
I learnt to forgive and repent, instead of asking "Why me?".
I slowly stopped thinking nobody loves me.
Sorry I don't have a one-size-fit-all motivation talk.
But no matter what age you are, where you are from, there are many single-parent children like us who have made it bigger than they thought possible.
There's nothing to be ashamed of, as long as we are earning money through the legitimate way. I was so Pikachu proud of myself when I sold green bean soups and char siew baos at 14, for my first holiday job. Still am.
Didn't thought I would end up like this now, after all I went through.
I have never once been embarrassed of my roots, for they have made me who I am today. And I will hammer anyone who belittles me for that. :D
In case you didn't know, Presidents Obama, Bill Clinton and George Washington were from single-parent families.
So were Confucius and Mencius.
Not forgetting Jay Chou and Vivian Hsu too.
This shows only one thing, it is never too late to create our own Destiny.
Not going to be easy, not going to be without tears, but it's tons better than staying put like a broken yoyo, that cries out its life story to everybody even at age 50.
Grow, Tree, GROW! Don't stump your own Destiny.
We are not victims of circumstances. Our parents' decisions and actions remain theirs, not ours.
We are masters of our own Life.
Don't let anyone or yourself take that power away from you.
The grit you show will never go unrewarded.
Your hand in my hand, let's do this.
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